i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
