my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
