Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
