someone threw a dead crab at me
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
