if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I came so hard my ears popped.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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