the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
