I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
