There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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