So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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