I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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