foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
