I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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