I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
