cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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