Me. At least after what I've been through.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
