Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
