I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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