They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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