Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize