Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
