she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
