the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize