So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she told me i tasted like america
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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