time to smoke my breakfast
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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