Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I AM VODKA MAN
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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