My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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