I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
