it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
