Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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