Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize