im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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