Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
