He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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