I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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