Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
