i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
