I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
