I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
