My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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