you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
