Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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