Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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