I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
