i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
