I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
