Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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