so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
