I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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