Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
