I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
