You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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