What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
