I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
