omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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