Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize