And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
