3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
