grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
