im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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