Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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