im drinking this country out of the recession.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
