Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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