Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize