fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
