I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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